Blog - Yourself Truly

Being Fully Authentic Every Day

What is authenticity, and why should we try to be fully authentic every day? Dr. Charlotte Howard shares her expertise, built from years of experience counseling women.

Anxiety arises from a lack of authenticity

A key indicator you aren’t being authentic is anxiety. Anxiety is often a defense against feelings — so we repress our real self or emotions and then feel anxious instead. You might notice that if you have something to say in a group but can’t get your voice in, you start to feel anxious. Just as we feel anxious losing our voice in these small moments, we can become chronically anxious or even have panic attacks if we disown parts of ourselves over time. We try to ignore the truth, but it takes a tremendous toll on our body and nervous system.

Anxiety is a flag signaling that we must finally listen to and experience our feelings and even learn to express our authentic self in the world. Another sign you are not being fully authentic is if you notice you are constantly concerned with pleasing others or being perfect. Even if you aren’t consciously aware of changing yourself as a result of this focus, just focusing outward on others extensively makes it difficult to be in touch with your own heart so that you are able to be true to who you really are.

Why do we struggle with authenticity?

Authenticity is scary for most people because it involves vulnerability. It feels more risky to put our true selves out and risk being rejected, than to have a false self out in the world for critique. Our families also often teach us to cover parts of the real self because they didn’t fit into the family or its values. Many have difficulty with feelings and don’t give us the message that feelings are okay and you can be whoever you want to be. The cost, however, is often lack of fulfillment, anxiety, depression, emptiness, and exhaustion.

How to be more authentic with yourself

To reclaim your authentic self you must go on a rescue mission. I have dedicated the past few years of my life to studying relationship with self and Yourself Truly to help women learn to love themselves. I believe loving yourself involves healing childhood wounds–ways you got shut down–and actively developing a compassionate, playful inner witness. We must consciously nurture and develop a loving relationship with ourselves through actively relating to ourselves kindly.

We need mental health days!

I was thrilled to hear that Olark CEO Ben Congleton supported his employee taking a mental health day. We are responsible for pacing ourselves in a way that takes care of our nervous systems and allows us to perform well long-term. Owning this responsibility is in an employer’s best interest.

Permission to take mental health days also keeps work in its place. For most of us our meaning and fulfillment in life comes outside the office. When we act like work must happen no matter what else is going on, we forget work is not the top priority in life. We have lives outside of work—break-ups, deaths of loved ones, conflict in the family, etc. Our bodies need time to feel and grieve when feelings naturally emerge, or we are in for a much longer healing process later if we choose to repress. Caring for yourself involves balance of all your responsibilities. You take care of your security and work relationships by performing well there, but you balance that with caring for your heart and making sure the things that matter to you are in order.

Take smart breaks – use the time to relax, not run from responsibility

When you are highly stressed at work, a mental health day can also be useful because the nervous system needs a break. Be aware, however, that you return to the same situation or work load that stressed you out before you took time off. You may need to delegate, get support or a new perspective, or talk to your boss about what you are experiencing so that you aren’t overwhelmed chronically. Mental health days actually aren’t always helpful for actual mental health disorders. If you are having anxiety about work or a phobic reaction to it, the more you avoid work the scarier it can become. If you are depressed, a day off in bed can make you even more depressed and lead to more days off and eventually not going back to work at all. It is important to know when to reach out for help.

How to ask for a mental health day

How you tell your boss or colleagues you need a mental health day – or how you talk to them about any other mental health issue – depends on the kind of people you work with. If your boss is numbers-driven or non-emotional, then think and talk about your need from a productivity standpoint:

“To work most efficiently (quickly, creatively, accurately–depends on the goal in your field) this week, I need a day off to rest and clear my head so I can perform my best. I try to stay on top of my emotional state to ensure optimal work performance.”

If your boss is right-brained or emotionally intelligent, you could soften it up and try sincerity:

“I’m really struggling and need reprieve. I feel like I need to have a day to myself in order to keep going.”

We aren’t robots and we only work well when we have rest! Caring for yourself emotionally and being clear about your needs is a priority, even at work. The workplace is clearly evolving to honor the truth that people perform better when happy.

How to Handle Rejection

One reason we often hold back our true selves is fear of because we fear rejection. Rejection strengthens underlying fears of being unwanted and not good enough, making it difficult to bare for many people.

However, life is rich and complex so of course some people are going to adore you and others aren’t. Some are going to pull away because of their own limitations and fears. It is important to not take rejection personally, even though it hurts and feels like it reflects on you. Loving yourself and knowing your own worth will make rejection much more tolerable. If you aren’t there yet, treat yourself as if you are—kindly supporting and nurturing yourself in a loving tone.

To handle rejection we want to avoid extremes. For instance, don’t cling on to that person or to reject him or her back. Instead, be honest, sincere, and authentic about your feelings. If it is a romantic relationship and you still want to be with the person, fight for the relationship by vulnerably communicating that you are still in love and want to keep trying. Express how much it hurts but respect what they want.

Another example of extremes you want to avoid when you feel rejected is isolating or being active 24-7. While you need to grieve and feel your feelings, being alone crying too much of the time will make you feel more lonely and prevent your receiving the care and support you need from others. On the other hand, partying or making yourself busy all the time with activities or work in order to cope, will help you avoid the pain but not give you the space to heal. You need some of both! Make sure not push away your friends and other support system or cancel your usual routine for more than a few days, but also make sure to take time every day alone to cry or grieve in whatever way you want so you don’t ignore your feelings and have to deal with the consequences later.

Remember that you are lovable. The relationship no one can take away from you is the one with yourself. Nurture this relationship every day and honor the beauty of who you are. That investment will allow you to weather all sorts of painful situations with kindness, ease, and natural resilience.

Feeling “self-centered”

Why does it feel selfish to love myself? Does it mean I’m not attuned to others? Dr. Charlotte Howard, creator of Yourself Truly, explains how it’s not a bad thing to focus on yourself! A transcript of the video is below too, for those of you who prefer to read 🙂

Hi! I was just thinking about how so many of my clients feel like it is self-centered to love themselves. Or they think it means that they are conceited or not focused on other people.

The truth is the opposite! Research shows that actually people become more philanthropic, generous, and focused on others when they actually care about themselves. This makes sense, because we don’t have to waste so much energy on focusing on our insecurities. We don’t feel as jealous and judgmental of other people when we love ourselves. It actually leads to less focus on self and more energy to care about others and more generosity in our view of others.

So, I hope that this is another inspiration to let yourself love yourself!

Anxiety as a Defense

Anxiety is usually a defense against other feelings. Explore the nuances of this stressful emotion and why it arises with Dr. Charlotte Howard, creator of YourselfTruly.com. A transcript of the video is below as well.

Hi gang! I’ve got to talk about anxiety for a minute, because it is so linked to how we feel about ourselves. Here’s how:

Anxiety is a defense against other feelings. So many times, we don’t value our own feelings enough to let them out, express them to others, or just give them the chance to be felt by us. That leads to anxiety overtime! So does perfectionism, which is another reason that we shut down feelings and become anxious instead. It’s because we have to be perfect, we’re always performing, and there’s no room for feelings!

It’s so vitally important that you let yourself feel your feelings. Anxiety is not any more fun than any of those other feelings, but it’s not productive either – it’s just a defense. Whereas if you feel those other feelings, you’re actually moving through them, healing them, integrating, releasing them, and hopefully caring for yourself in them. That way, you can actually let them go and move on with much more life energy, instead of spending so much of your life energy repressing.

I really encourage you to try and make space to feel – you’ll be amazed what it will do for your anxiety!